Lord of the Rings Humor
by skyheart15
Summary: What would Gimli do for Galadriel? Is Saruman hiding something? How far would Sam go for Mr. Frodo? Will Merry and Pippin's firework incident in the movie ever come in handy? Find out these and more pointless questions in this hilarious LOTR fanfic!
1. Gimli and the Hair

Lord of the Rings Humor

(AKA: The "Whatever this Show is Called" Show)

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This story is based off of: _www(dot)cestarisweb(dot)com(slash)fellowship(dot)html_. I did not write the story or the website and I do not claim any rights to it because I do not own it. I highly suggest reading that before you read this. If you don't, certain comments may not make sense. Also, the characters Elfie and Lelfie are the same characters as Elladan and Elrohir in that story. I couldn't remember their names when I started this and decided that Elfie and Lelfie are just easier too remember.

Disclaimer: I do not own LotR. I don't claim any rights to LotR or any of its characters.

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Narrator: This Viking Spongebob represents Gimli. (holds up Viking Spongebob from Burger King). 

skyheart15: I said that because this story is told the way happened while I was telling it to my siblings.

Gimli: I don't remember buying this hat (points at Viking hat). Or this blanket, that seems to be stuck to my back.

skyheart15: There **was** a blanket stuck to its back!

Gimli: And who wrote "Burger King" on my back? **LEGOLAS! **Oh, and this skirt - it isn't very manly. Then again, I've never heard of any girl dwarves. So... if I don't have a mom, then where did I come from? I didn't just fall out of the sky like Gandalf, or did I...?

Random Kid: Maybe dwarves marry elves. There are female elves...

Gimli: But dwarves hate elves! Not me and Legolas...

Random English Teacher: _Legolas and I_...

Gimli: (pretends not to hear) I'm the heir to the throne or something, right?

Narrator: Yes...

Gimli: Right. So I can like -as a friend!- who I want to like and say what I want to say... even if it's not correct grammar! (glares at Random English Teacher) Anyway, elves are sooo much better than dwarves! I mean Galadreil, for example, she's the most beautiful thing in all of Middle Earth! I even have a strand of here hair! (holds up a piece of long, blonde hair)

Saruman: (blows hair off conveniently placed cliff) Mwahahahaha, the Great Saruman has returned! (vanishes in a puff of smoke)

Gimli: (in slow motion) Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (jumps off cliff and falls quickly down) Ahhhhhhhhhhhh... wait a minute, I'm a king! I can do what ever I want, so... (singing) I BELIEVE I CAN FLY...! (stops falling)

Legolas: Gimli, you're too fat and heavy to fly!

Gimli: (still floating in mid-air) I'm not heavy because I'm fat. I'm heavy because I wear all this armor. I also have a mithril helmet, but this doesn't count because mithril is as light as a feather. Mithril is a treasure of the dwarves. It is very valuable... (realizes that he** is **too heavy too fly and continues falling) Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh... hey! I can do what I want! (singing) I BELIEVE I CAN FLY...! (stops falling for a second, but then comes crashing toward the ground again) Ahhhhhhh... OOMPH! (stays laying dazed on the ground, but then jumps up quickly) Where is it? (getting a bit hysterical) Where is it! Where's the hair? (looks around and thinks too himself: Oh, crap!)

Narrator: Unfortunately for Gimli, at the bottom of the cliff is a field of golden grass.

Legolas: (far above) Did you find it?

Gimli: No. Oh, and, ummm.. CAN YOU GET ME UP? (we can't hear Legolas's response) (Gimli clenches his teeth) You'd better find a way! (Legolas yells something) Really? He has a rope? (Legolas replies) Good, tell'm to throw it down!

Narrator: When Gimli (finally) gets to the top...

Aragorn: You still have 2 more, right? Galadreil gave you **3 **hairs!

Gimli: (tearing up) One was stomped on by a cave troll and the other was eaten by the Balrog!

Gandalf: Hmmm, interesting. Balrogs like to eat hair. Maybe that's why it ate my hat. It probably had a piece of hair stuck too it!

Gimli: (suddenly forceful) I **demand** that we go to Lothlorien and get another hair!

Gandalf: Lothlorien is really far from here! It would take **years** to get there on foot!

Gimli: Then we'll ride horses!

Legolas: But you **hate** horses!

Narrator: (flash back) Getting Gimli on a horse was as hard as getting Sam Gamgee on a boat!

Gimli: It's a small price to pay for a strand of Galadreil's hair! Better yet - Gandalf, could you get some of your giant eagle friends to fly us there?

Gandalf: Ehehe... Well... all I ever did for them was help their leader when he was hurt! And they've done so much to help us! I wouldn't feel... _comfortable _asking them for **another **favor!

Gimli: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Gandalf: Okay, **fine**!

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Commercial Narrator: Next time on the "Whatever this Show is Called" show, also known as "Lord of the Rings Humor" (rolls eyes - how boring!), the Fellowship meets the Giant Eagles, who tell them that they have too build them a nest before they take them to Lothlorien. After all the hard work, the Fellowship gets angry at Gimli. What will they do to him? What will happen in Lothlorien? Next, sent to Rivendell, the Fellowship will face more trouble with some former-enemies. Find out who and what happens next time on the... 

Chorus: (singing) "Whatever this Show is Called" show!

Narrator: Or as some call it, Lord of the Rings Humor. Now get lost! I mean... bye. No really, get lost!


	2. Eagles and Elves

Narrator: The Fellowship journeys to the Giant Eagles and Gandalf has a... _conversation _with the Eagle King.

Eagle King: Caw! Caw caw caw!

Gandalf: Caw, caw caw!

Eagle King: Caw. Caw caw?

Gandalf: Caw... ca-aw caw caw caw!

Eagle King: Caw... caw, caw caw caw.

Gandalf: Caw?

Eagle King: Caw, caw.

Gandalf: Caw caw, caw!

Narrator: Wow. That was **extremely **boring!

skyheart15: When I wrote that, I was actually thinking about what they were saying. I wrote it with the correct punctuation to go with it!

Narrator: So, Gandalf goes to tell the Fellowship what the Eagle King said...

Gimli: So, will they take us too Lothlorien?

Gandalf: Yes...

Gimli: Good. Let's go every one. We're gonna fl...

Gandalf: HEY! I WASN'T FINISHED! (takes a deep breath) They said that we need to build them a nest first.

Aragorn: How big?

Gandalf: Hmm... I believe he said to make it fit ten eagles.

Narrator: Oh, and Boromir isn't dead because Gimli made everyone come back to life except Sauron. He can do that because he's a king. He can do whatever he wants except fly...

Gimli: That gives me an idea...

Narrator: ...or make it so that that rule wasn't there.

Gimli: Oh, crap.

Narrator: Anyway, Boromir isn't dead.

Boromir: But one giant eagle is, like, ten feet long! That makes ten... (does some calculating) ...ONE HUNDRED FEET!

Everyone except Gimli: NO WAY!

Gimli: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Everyone except Gimli: WAY!

Gimli: That's what I thought you said. (big grin)

Narrator: So the Fellowship gets to work collecting sticks. (pause) Five hours later...

Pippin: Can we (pant) take a (pant) supper break?

Gimli: No.

Pippin: But I really think we sh...

Gimli: I said **NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO**!

Pippin: (quiet and squeaky) Okay. Back to work then...

Narrator: 7 days later...

Gimli: (happily and quickly building the nest)

Aragorn: (lying against tree with hood covering face)

Boromir: (snoring - almost as loud as Gimli!!!)

Legolas: (still gathering sticks, but we can tell he's sleeping with his eyes open)

Frodo: (staggers and then drops to the ground and falls asleep)

Sam: (standing over Frodo)

Merry and Pippin: (sleeping soundly, with the occasional mumble of "mmm, mushrooms" or "ooh, 'taters!")

Gandalf: (lying on ground, struggling to use his staff for picking up sticks - so weak even his powers can barely lift a twig)

Gimli: **WAAAAAAAAAAKE UUUUUUUUUUUUUUP**!

Aragorn: Must... stand... up... (struggles to stand)...uh! (slumps back against tree)

Boromir: Let us get some sleep, will ya? (falls asleep before the answer can come)

Legolas: (snaps to attention) What happened? I'm **still **picking up sticks? (looks around) How long has it been?

Merry and Pippin: (stir in sleep)

Frodo: (too weak to do anything)

Sam: (to Gimli) Please, let us have some food! Look what it's doing to Mr. Frodo! (to Frodo) It's all right, Mr. Frodo. It'll be okay.

Narrator: 5 days of torture later...

Gimli: **Done!** Time to go to Lothlorien, every one!

Everyone else: Uuhhhhhhhhhh...

Eagle King: Caw! Cuhcaw! Caw caw caw caw.

Gandalf: (smacks forehead) He says (pant) we only (pant) had to make a (pant) nest big enough for (pant) one eagle!

Everyone except Gimli: So we did all that for nothing?

(everyone charges at Gimli and attacks him in different ways)

Gandalf: (to self) Calm down. Take a deep breath (takes deep breath) Okay, now, you don't want to kill Gimli. Don't kill Gimli. Okay, I'm good. (to everyone else) **Stop! **I know you want to kill Gimli (I do too), but just don't. Let's just get this over with and go to Lothlorien.

Narrator: In Lothlorien...

Galadriel: Hello. What brings you here?

Boromir: **Gimli** lost your hairs and we had to work our-

Narrator: Remember, this is only rated K+!

Boromir: -we worked our _butts _off to get a ride here!

Galadriel: Where is he?

Gimli: (slowly raises hand)

Galadriel: So. You lost my hairs? (pause) Do you know what I'm going to do now? (dramatic pause) (plucks 4 hairs) Here you go!

Gimli: Oh, lady Galadriel, I feel that I am not worthy of any more of your hairs. I have **lost** some already.

Boromir: (thinking: So we did all that and he didn't even think he would get the hair? My turn to say "grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr"!)

Legolas: (rolls eyes)

Galadriel: Oh, don't worry about it. Stop being overly dramatic.

Gimli: (faints)

Boromir: Ooh! Ooh! I wanna wake'm up! Can I? Can I? Can I?

Gandalf: Sure. Knock yourself out.

Boromir: Mwahahahaha! (throws bucket of water at Gimli and the bucket covers up his head)

Gimli: Huh? (takes bucket off head) What happened?

Boromir: (throws bucket of water at Gimli)

Gimli: (takes bucket off head) I'm awake!

Boromir: I know! (throws another bucket of water at Gimli)

Gimli: (takes bucket off head) Ow! Hey, where are you getting all those buckets, anyway?

(elf messenger comes in and whispers something to Galadriel)

Galadriel: (whispers something back to the elf, who nods and rides away; then Galadriel talks to the Fellowship) He said that Elrond has sent him to get help! Rivendell is under attack! Will you go and fight for them?

Gimli, Gandalf, and Legolas: We're on our way!

Everyone else: Why should we have to...

Gandalf: Because I said so, now come on!

Narrator: In Rivendell, the Fellowship sees a horrible sight -

Fellowship: **SARUMAN!**

Gollum: And ussss too, preciossss! Ussss too!

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Commercial Narrator: So, the Fellowship has met up with Saruman and Gollum again. Next time, the Fellowship will have trouble with them - and some of Legolas's former-classmates...? Find out what happens next time on the...

Chorus: (singing) "Whatever this Show is Called" Show!

Commercial Narrator: Or "Lord of the Rings Humor".

skyheart15: Just so you know, "The Whatever this Show is Called Show" is what my siblings and I call it when we tell it. That's where I got it from.


	3. Saruman and Gollum

Narrator: So, the Fellowship has met up with Gollum and Saruman! Let's see what happens.

Gandalf: Let's go see Elrond to see what we should do too help!

(the Fellowship walks into Elrond's room)

Gandalf: Elrond, what can we do to help save Rivendell?

Elrond: Well, I need some of you to go find some magical materials to make a magic-proof prison for Saruman. We already have a cage for Gollum, but if we try to capture him now, Saruman will just break him free and we'll have to build **another** cage for 'im. The rest of you can help fight.

Merry & Pippin: Ooh! Ooh! We wanna fight! We wanna fight!

Gandalf: Well, I guess there's no stopping them. (grumble fool of a Took and his mumble grumble) Who else wants to fight?

Legolas: Me!

Boromir: Me!

Gandalf: We need one more person to stay and fight.

Gimli: I will.

Gandalf: Then it's settled! Merry, Pippin, Legolas, Boromir, and Gimli will fight. The rest of us will go on a mission to find magical stuff.

Elrond: Good. You go do that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pluck my eyebrows- I mean, uh, I have some important business to take care of. Yeah, that's it- business... (he leaves to take care of his so-called business)

Narrator: Gandalf, Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn go to find the magic-proof materials. Let's see what happens with the rest of the Fellowship!

Everyone: CHARGE!

Saruman: Mwahahahaha! Muahahahaha! Muuuwwwwaahahah-

Narrator: Okay, I think they get the point.

Saruman: MUUUUWWWAAAAHAHAHAHAHA!

Narrator: SHUT UP ALREADY!

Saruman: Heeheehee...? Okay, well, back to business. (blows all 4 of Gimli's new hairs off another conveniently placed cliff)

Gimli: NNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (big breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (another big breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Narrator: But just then the Eagles arrive to help save Rivendell. They thought it was only fair to help Gimli again since he had made them a nest 10 times bigger then they had wanted, so one unlucky eagle took Gimli back to Galadriel. When he got there...

Gimli: Saruman blew your hairs of a cliff again! (sob)

Galadriel: (to herself:) What is up with these cliffs? Before long I'll be bald!

Gimli: BALD! (faints)

Galadriel: Bucket, please. (an elf gives her a bucket of water and she dumps it on Gimli)

Gimli: What happened?

Galadriel: You fainted. Now can we speed this up a bit? I'm very busy. (plucks 3 hairs) Here you go. Bye.

Gimli: But that eagle left! How will I get back to the rest of the Fellowship?

Galadriel: Here. (hands him a box of magic dust) This will teleport you to the rest of the Fellowship when you sprinkle a pinch on yourself. And _this _(hands him another box of fairy dust) will teleport you back to me.

Gimli: Oh thank you! Thank you! (sprinkles a pinch of magic dust)

Narrator: In Rivendell:

Left half of Gimli: Whoa, what happened?

Merry, Pippin, Legolas, and Boromir: (shrug)

Narrator: On a mountain:

Right half of Gimli: Whoa, what happened?

Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam: (shrug)

Gandalf: How did... this half of you... get here?

Right half of Gimli: I teleported using this magic dust that Galadriel said will teleport me back to the Fellowship.

Gandalf: Well the Fellowship is in 2 different places, so...

Aragorn: Well, no turning back now! Let's go!

(Gandalf, Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam go)

Right half of Gimli: It's kinda hard to walk with only 1 foot!

Gandalf: ARAGORN! (gives Aragorn a 'go-carry-Gimli-or-else' sort of look)

Aragorn: (goes to carry Gimli or else)

Narrator: They get to the top of the mountain. Sam decides to make soup for dinner. He drops his spoon and refuses to use a regular stick. So the fellowship climbs al the way down to get it. As the climb up for the second time...

Sam: Oh no! The snow's getting deeper! (picks up Frodo and carries him)

Frodo: Sam! (struggles to break free) Sam, I'm fine! Really! Sam! Put me down! SAMWISE BOB GAMGEE, you put me down right this instant!

Sam: But, Mr. Frodo! Bob isn't my middle name. I don't even have a middle name!

Frodo: Well it sounds so much more forceful that way... Oh fine. SAMWISE GAMGEE, PUT ME DOWN!

Sam: I'm afraid I can't do that Mr. Frodo. You could sink in the snow.

Frodo: (thinks really hard) Sam... (cough cough) Sam, you're strangling me! (cough cough) Put me (cough) down!

Sam: Oh no! I'll save you, Mr. Frodo! (puts him down and starts doing CPR)

Aragorn: (to himself): I knew they were close, but...

Frodo: SAM! GET OFF ME!

Sam: (hugs Frodo until he turns blue) Mr. Frodo, you're all right! Oh I was so worried!

Frodo: Okay, Sam, now you've crossed the line!

Sam: Oh. Right. Sorry.

Frodo: Well don't let it happen again.

Sam: I swear by all that is good, like taters: I won't let it happen again.

Frodo: (sigh) That's the **exact **same thing you said last time. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the time before that. And the (does some calculating) **347** times before that.

Sam: Eheheh...

Gandalf: Um... hey look! It's the magicy stuff!

Aragorn: He's right! There it is! (points to some glowing stuff)

Gandalf: Really? Where? Uh... I mean... of course I'm right! (to himself) Wow. I can't believe that worked!

Narrator: So, when they get back to Rivendell, they capture Saruman in the magic-proof cage and Gollum in the other cage. While the Fellowship is talking to Elrond...

Gollum: Hey! Over here. Pssssssst. We wantsss you to come lisssten to usss!

The two elves: Why do you talk so funny? And... what are you?

Gollum: We isss a Gollum. And we hasss a job for you nasssty... we meansss... _wonderful _elvesssesss. We wantsss you to go give Sssaruman a messsage, we doesss. The messsage isss that we can help him get out if he givesss usss three wissshesssesss. Alssso tell him to teleport to usss.

The two elves: Sure. Okay. We can do that.

The girl elf: I'm Lelfie by the way.

The boy elf: And I'm Elfie.

Elfie and Lelfie at the exact same time: We're twins! Jynx! (sigh) I hate it when that happens! Hey, me too! Okay, I'm just gonna stop talking.

(when they get to Saruman...)

Elfie and Lelfie: We have a message for you!

Saruman: Who's it from?

Elfie and Lelfie: It's from a... a Gollum.

Saruman: Well what did Gollum say?

Elfie and Lelfie: He said "We wantsss you to go give Sssaruman a messsage, we doesss..."

Saruman: JUST TELL ME THE MESSAGE!

Elfie and Lelfie: He can help you get out if you give him three wishes. Also, he said to tell you to teleport to him.

Narrator: Elfie and Lelfie do the same intro as with Gollum.

Saruman: Whatever. (he vanishes in a puff of smoke)

Saruman: (to Gollum) What are your wishes?

Gollum: Our firssst wisssh isss that you musssst break usss out, too.

Smeagol: No itsss not.

Gollum: Yesss it isss, preciosss. Yesss it isss.

Saruman: And you second wish?

Gollum: For it to be raining fissshh!

Saruman: When we escape, that will be really noticeable. How about for the fish to be invisible and only around you. And they'll disappear after a while so they don't build up and drown the whole world in fish.

Gollum: Yesss, preciosss, we sssuposssesss that will do.

Saruman: So how do I... I mean _we _get out?

Gollum: Thisss cage isn't magicsss proof.

Saruman: Those idiots! (grants Gollum's wish and turns both of them invisible; they start escaping)

Gollum: (thinking) We finally are free, preciosss! Free!

Smeagol: (thinking) No preciosss, we mussst go back, preciosss! We Mussst!

Gollum: (thinking) No! We mussst essscape from those nasssty elvesssesss!

Narrator: But eventually, Smeagol won over Gollum and they headed back.

Saruman: (thinking) That stupid swamp creature! Where'd he go now? Oh well.

Narrator: Aragorn, who was sitting there, had just invented heat-vision goggles (and what a convenient time!) so he could see Saruman.

skyheart15: We learned a phrase for that in language arts - "Dea ex Machina" (its Latin or Greek or something).

Aragorn: Saruman! Get back here!

Saruman: (thinks Aragorn can't really see him)

Aragorn: Dude! I can see you! (grabs him and and drags him back to his magic proof cage) And how'd you get out, anyway?

Saruman: (not invisible anymore) Two elves named Elfie and Lelfie.

Narrator: By now, the Fellowship and some elves have gathered.

Legolas: Ahh. Elfie and Lelfie. I remember them from kindergarten, 160 years ago... they always were troublemakers.

Elrond: We've got to get them... un-evil! The way they were before the effects of the ring. We'll start with Gollum.

Narrator: Then, Gollum sends a secret message to Saruman that the fish are annoying and he uses his third wish to stop the raining fish. Then, the Fellowship gets Gollum to eat cooked fish by cooking his food just 1 minute more every day, so he doesn't notice. Both halves of Gimli teleport to Galadriel at the same time and then the whole Gimli teleports to the Fellowship. All is well. For now, anyway.

skyheart15: Sorry to rush the ending, but this chapter is getting too long!

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Commercial narrator: This ends the third chapter, which was the longest chapter so far. Stay tuned, because the next episode is the funniest one yet, and maybe the funniest one there will ever be. The Fellowship begins taking classes at Rivendell. Elfie and Lelfie cause more trouble. Saruman's secret is revealed, and much much much much more! See you next time on the... 

Chorus: "Whatever this Show is Called" Show!

Commercial narrator: Slash "Lord of the Rings Humor".


	4. The Funniest Episode

This chapter (as the title suggests) is the funniest chapter yet. It's probably the funniest chapter there ever will be. Just a little warning that this WILL make you laugh (I hope so, anyway). Well... here it is: The Funniest Episode!

* * *

Chorus (singing): The "Whatever This Show is Called" Show! 

Quote of Legolas: Gimli, you're too fat and heavy to fly!

Chorus (singing): The "Whatever This Show is Called" Show!

Narrator: Insert quote here!

Chorus (singing): The "Whatever This Show is Called" Show!

skyheart15: I don't feel like typing more quotes so lets skip to the ending!

Chorus (singing): The "Whatever This Show is Called" Show! Bah dah dah bah!

(symbol crash)

Voice: Oww! My eye!

Another voice: Let's try that again.

(symbol crash)

Voice: Oww! My other eye!

Another voice: Again!

(symbol crash)

Voice: Oww! My spleen!

Another voice: What _is _a spleen?

Voice: I dunno, but I heard it on a cartoon and it sounds dramatic.

Chorus (singing): Bah dah dah bah!

(symbol crash)

Another voice: Don't you dare.

* * *

Narrator: Where we left off, well you remember. And if you don't just go back and read the ending. Now, in Rivendell, the Fellowship is taking classes, except that Legolas is an assistant teacher and Gandalf is on a wizard mission that is so secret I can't even tell you what it is. Aragorn is taking "How to Impress Elven Princesses". Boromir is taking "How to Control your Obsessions". Gimli is taking archery (to show Legolas he can) and Legolas is the archery assistant teacher. Merry and Pippin are taking "How to Correctly Launch Stolen Fireworks" fine print: "With Elfie and Lelfie". Frodo is taking piano lessons. Sam is taking "How to Cook in Dangerous Places Without Getting Encrusted in Lava". Lets look at some of them. 

Narrator: Frodo is doing a great job so far, despite his missing finger. (piano playing in background) Let's check back with him later...

Later (with Frodo in piano lessons)

Narrator: Well, Frodo is having a hard time with the hard songs because of his missing finger. So, he decided to quit. Oh well!

Gimli and Legolas in archery lessons:

Archery Teacher: (looks around) I see that most of you are elves, so therefore I expect that you already know a bit about archery. Is that right?

Class minus Gimli: Yes.

Gimli: No, not really.

Archery Teacher: Good. Well, let's get started! I want you guys to pair up and try shooting apples off each other's heads so I can see how mush you already know. You too, Legolas, even though I know how good you are already.

(all the elves minus Legolas quickly pair up with their friends, leaving Legolas and Gimli)

Legolas: (looks around quickly) Um, (picks up rock) I can be with this rock... (quietly) please?

Archery Teacher: Legolas, please pair up with Gimli.

Legolas: (loud and dramatic) Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Gimli: Oh come on, Legolas, it's not _that_ bad! (puts apple on head)

Legolas: (shoots apple; gives Gimli the bow; puts apple on head)

Gimli: Hmmm. Let's see. Well, um, the... no that's not right. (mumble mumble) Ah-ha! This goes here and you hold this like that so then the arrow will go that-a-way (points at apple)! (arrow is backwards and bow is upside down)

Legolas: (looks real scared) Um, Gimli, your supposed to put the ar-

Gimli: Not now, Legolas, your ruining the moment! (shoots; the arrow flies over his head backwards) Ehehe... well... every expert was once a beginner... (tries again; the arrow flies to the side)

Legolas: (starting to relax, but then an arrow hits him in the stomach) Uhhhhh... (clutches stomach and staggers; another arrow comes and hits him in the head; he falls to the ground)

Archery Teacher: Gimli! You killed Legolas!

Gimli: Uh, I can fix that! (uses magic king powers to bring Legolas back to life)

Legolas: MARK MY WORDS, GIMLI! I WILL GET YOU! I'LL GET YOU IF IT'S THE LAST THING I DO! MWAHAHAHAHA! (laughs hysterically)

Gimli: Are you okay?

Legolas: (still laughing hysterically)

Gimli: (smacks Legolas)

Legolas: (back to normal) I needed that.

Archery Teacher: Okay then. Now that that's over, Legolas, I guess you can pair with the Rock. Gimli, I'll be instructing you privately.

Legolas: Yay! (shoots apple off Rock's "head")

Rock: ...

Boromir in "How to Control your Obsessions"

Narrator: So, the counselors have decided to test what Boromir has learned...

Counselor: (Takes out fake ring to see what Boromir does)

Boromir: (grabs ring) Mwahahahahaha, my preciousss!

Merry & Pippin in "How to Correctly Launch Stolen Fireworks" (fine print: With Elfie & Lelfie)

Pippin: Where are...

Merry: ... the teachers? Well I suppose we should wait a little longer for them. (about two seconds pass with "tick tick tick" in the background) Okay, I'm tired of waiting!

Pippin: Me too. Let's do something fun!

Merry: (whispering) Hey, Pip, I have an idea...

Merry & Pippin: (tiptoe as quietly as, well, hobbits)

(**BOOM!**)

Merry and Pippin: (their faces are black) Wow! Let's do it again! (about to light another firework)

Elfie & Lelfie: (each picks up a hobbit by the hair) What do you think you're doing?

Voice: Yes, what?

(Gandalf, who is apparently back from his super secret mission, comes around the corner)

Gandalf: (picks the to elves up by the hair, one in each hand) I thought that going on a perilous journey, in which you almost died many many times would teach you to stop putting your lives in danger, but I guess I was wrong. And what are you two troublemakers doing here?

Elfie & Lelfie: Actually, we're the teachers!

Gandalf: So, you two took a class with _these two_?

Merry & Pippin: We wanted to learn how to correctly launch stolen fireworks!

(suddenly Merry and Elfie come crashing to the ground with a and Elfie's hair is still in Gandalf's hand)

Everyone minus Elfie: Elfie! You wear a wig?

(Elfie has brown hair in a buzz cut)

Lelfie: Who ever heard of an elf with short hair? I'm embarrassed to be related to you. I never want to see you again! (stomps out)

Gandalf: Don't let it happen again! (stomps out)

Merry & Pippin: Um... bye. (walk out)

Elfie: (sob) This wig was supposed to be magical!

Meanwhile, with Lelfie and Saruman...

Saruman: Hello, nice little girl, I believe we've met before?

Lelfie: Yup.

Saruman: Well, I need another favor.

Lelfie: Sure thing! What?

Saruman: I'm afraid it's a little more complicated than before... (whisper whisper)

Lelfie: (nods)

Later...

Lelfie: I got the stuff. (evil grin; throws down Sam's cooking stuff and Frodo, all tied up)

Saruman: (evil grin) Excellent. One more thing...

"Dot Dot Dot"

(the Fellowship, Elrond, and some other elves have gathered, thanks to Lelfie)

Saruman: Samwise Gamgee, please step forward!

Samwise Gamgee: (steps forward)

Saruman: I challenge you to a battle.

Sam: No way!

Saruman: I believe I have something you want... (reveals Sam's cooking stuff)

Elrond: Gasp!

skyheart15: And he actually said the word "gasp". If he just gasped, I would have put gasp in parenthesis.

Sam: My cooking stuff!

Saruman: (reveals Frodo)

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Mr. Frodo! (to Saruman) What do you want?

Saruman: I already told you what I want, you idiot! I want to battle you!

Sam: If I win?

Saruman: I will return your cooking stuff and your precious little master.

Sam: And if I lose?

Saruman: (evilly) I get to take over Middle-earth! Mwahahahaha!

Everyone minus Sam, Lelfie, and Saruman: No! (shake their heads no)

Sam: (looks over at his cooking stuff and then at Frodo) I... I accept your challenge.

Saruman: And since Elrond is here, it's official!

Elrond: Gasp! Middle-earth is doomed!

The Great Battle

Sam: (takes out sword and charges) For Mr. Frodo! And my cooking stuff!

Saruman: (steps to side)

Sam: (smashes into wall and his sword flies out of the battle arena; Sam gets up and charges again; he knocks down Saruman and starts tugging at his beard)

Narrator: But suddenly, his beard came off!

Gandalf: Saruman! You have beard extensions? And after all these years of teasing me for having a shorter beard?

Saruman: What did you expect? I'm evil!

Sam: (was knocked off Saruman)

Narrator: So, Saruman sat there crying because everyone was making fun of him. But, Sam was weaponless!

Sam: Aragorn! Toss me your sword!

Aragorn: No way, this is the Sword that was Broken! I'm not just giving it to a hobbit!

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Boromir! Toss me your sword!

Boromir: No way, preciousss!

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Legolas! Toss me your sword!

Legolas: All I have is a bow, and you don't know archery!

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Gimli! Toss me your sword!

Gimli: I have an axe and it's almost as big as you are!

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Bilbo! Toss me your sword!

Bilbo: I gave it to Frodo!

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Mr. Frodo! Toss me your sword!

Frodo: I'm kinda tied up right now!

Elrond: Gasp!

Narrator: But Saruman stopped crying and was getting up.

(dun dun dun!)

Elrond: Gasp!

Sam: Merry! Pippin! Toss me a firework!

Pippin: (slowly takes firework out of his pants)

Elrond: Gasp!

Gandalf: I warned you!

Sam: But I don't know how to use this!

Merry: We do!

Pippin: But only because it's stolen.

Gandalf: From me!

Sam: (rubs stick on ground fast; it catches on fire)

Merry: So, light the end...

Sam: (lights the end)

Pippin: ...and hold it pointing at Saruman...

Sam: (holds it pointing at Saruman)

Merry: Let go... (pause) ...NOW!

Sam: (lets go; the firework zooms toward Saruman)

Elrond: Gasp! He's picking up his staff! He'll stop the firework!

Gandalf: It's not just any firework, though! It's MY firework! That THEY stole!

Frodo: I'll never forget you, Sam!

Sam: You're right! You'll never forget me! Nobody will ever forget me! I will save you!

(In slow motion, and very dramatically, Sam dives at Saruman's staff!)

Sam: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! (hits the ground about 10 ft away from Saruman and is too hurt to get up) Mr. Frodo! I'm sorry! I've failed.

Elrond: Gasp! It's almost there!

skyheart15: I have no idea why that firework is so slow, but it is!

Gandalf: Beard extensions, haha!

Saruman: I told you to stop making fun of m- oomph!

(**POW!**; some elves untie Frodo)

Frodo: Sam! You did it! You saved me! You're a hero!

Sam: No, Mr. Frodo, I'm not. It was Merry and Pippin's firework and Gandalf who distracted Saruman! They're the heros!

Frodo: Don't be silly! Think of all the times I would've died without you! Shelob! The orcs! The whole journey!

Sam: ...

Frodo: You're more than just my gardener! More than just my body guard! You're my friend, Sam, and I never would have done anything without you! You're the reason I was able to get up and keep going! Without you, I would have given up to the power of the ring!

Sam: Maybe you're right, Mr. Frodo. Maybe I am a hero!

Everyone, including you (whoever you are): Awwwwwwwww!

Sam: (cheerful and peppy) Now, who wants some tomato soup?

Elrond: Gasp! That's my favorite!

Narrator: Way to ruin a touching moment

Gimli's Flashback

(music in background)

Gimli: I got 2 already!

Legolas: I'm on 17!

-next scene-

Gimli: Ha! 18!

Legolas: I'm on 2 dozen!

-next scene-

Gimli: 25!

Legolas: 3,456!

-next scene-

Legolas: Gimli, you're to fat and heavy to fly!

-next scene-

Gimli: Who wrote Burger King on my back? LEGOLAS?!

-next scene-

Archery Teacher: Legolas, I guess you can pair with the Rock (instead of Gimli).

Legolas: Yay!

-next scene-

Elrond: Gasp!

Gimli: Hey, this is a private flashback!

-next scene-

Gimli: You wrote Burger King on my back AGAIN?

-next scene-

(shows Legolas attacking Gimli after the eagle incident)

-next scene-

Legolas: PU! Gimli, what have you been eating!?

-next scene-

Legolas: You can't do archery, but I can use an axe! Haha!

-next scene-

Legolas: Stupid beard! Stupid dwarfy frizzy beard in a cute little braid!

-next scene-

Gimli: You wrote Burger King on my back a THIRD time?

-end of flashback-

Gimli: Mwahahahaha! Revenge is mine!

Gimli's Revenge

Narrator: Legolas wakes up... he has a beard drawn on him in sharpie and "Wendy's" written all over his body.

Legolas: Eeew, a beard! And what in Middle-earth is a Wendy's? I'll get that blasted dwa- ooh, bean tacos! (fart)

Gimli: Eew! Legolas, what have you been eating?!

Legolas: Tacos! I love tacos!

* * *

Commercial Narrator: I hope you enjoyed this episode! Just to tell you, the next two episodes are random events that have nothing to do with the plot of the story. Oh well, they're still funny. See you next time! 


End file.
